Welcome to my world.

Bring on 2010

2009-12-31T09:53:00.003-06:00

“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.” -Hal Borland

How is this year over already? It seems like time is flying by more quickly each year, giving me less of a chance to catch my breath. I try to - and think I do a pretty good job of - living in the moment. Thinking back, there are many moments from 2009 that I'm extremely proud of, moments that bring tears to my eyes, and moments where I experienced hardship and trial...yet I wouldn't change a thing about 2009. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, everything happens in its own time, and everything happens in order to stretch your mind, abilities, emotions...and ultimately, YOU.

2009 definitely stretched and pulled me in directions I haven't experienced before, and I'm grateful for that. Thank you, Lord, for seeing me through yet another year, teaching me constantly and opening my eyes to new things on a daily basis. Thank you to my family for being one of the only constants in my life, believing in me, supporting my dreams, no matter the hardships, and loving me unconditionally. Thank you to my friends for the laughs, the shoulders, the goofy times at 2am, the trust, the toasts, and the smiles that will last a lifetime. And thank you to Mike...for everything.

2009 was divine. I'm not sure what 2010 will be yet...but I'm excited to find out.

Happy New Year!

Done and Done

2009-12-18T15:43:00.002-06:00

Today's the day. My contract with Chicago Cares officially ends in 73 minutes. CRAZY!

The past year has truly been a rollercoaster ride, and even though there were times when I was so fed up I couldn't stand it any longer, I really wouldn't have changed a thing. What our company does it truly remarkable, even if it's a little backwards...and the individuals I had the pleasure to work alongside inspire me to be a better person.

A lot is going to change...

Not seeing and laughing at Eoin on a daily basis.
Not having the people at the corner Starbucks know my drink and call me 'boo.'
Not walking past the same homeless man daily and having our morning conversation.

...and I don't think it's going to hit me for a while. I'm sad as I write this...but I don't think I'll officially feel the effect of my time at Chi Cares being over for the next few weeks.

Thank you to everyone - mostly Eoin and Erin - who made my 'first real job' so wonderful. I'll definitely miss you guys.

In the meantime, I'm headed home for Christmas tomorrow - can't wait! There's nothing like being back with the family for the holidays...especially this year...and I'm looking forward to a week of full relaxation, good food, and lots of friends and family to make this one of the best Christmas's yet.

But before that...one last date night with a yummy dinner downtown and zoo lights. I love my boyfriend!

That's all I got...stay warm out there, kids!

Fort Fun!

2009-11-20T16:01:00.003-06:00

In less than 2-hours, I'll be on my way to Fort Wayne, Indiana for an incredibly fun weekend with 3 of my favorite people. I really wish Brad and Jess didn't live so far away, but our weekends with them are aways guaranteed to be a good time. I'm basicallyCAN'T WAIT!

Just to keep you posted, I've been running for the past 3-weeks and feel great. My mileage gets bumped up next week...just in time for Turkey Day. I'll be celebrating with Mike and his family again (4 years in a row!), and I've been assigned to make Waldorf Salad.

First of all, who likes Waldorf Salad? And...who assigns someone a specific salad to make? It's not, "Oh, please bring a salad of your choice." No, it's, "We must have Waldorf Salad."

In any case, I feel like the holiday season is officially underway. And that thought makes me SO happy...

Okay. Enough of this. Off to Indiana!

red cups

2009-11-04T11:28:00.004-06:00

the holiday season is officially on its way. how do i know this, you ask? because starbucks has brought out their red holiday coffee cups. if you know me at all, this brings massive amounts of joy to my life. i love this time of year - even though i'm a wuss when it comes to cold weather, ice, and snow - and, in this moment, i don't think that i could put it better than the red cup sitting in front of me:

"we invite you to listen to your desires and to renew your hope. to see the world not as it is. but as it could be. go ahead. wish. it's what makes the holidays the holidays."

to keep you posted on other current events:
1. i completed my first day of marathon conditioning. 3 miles - and it felt good. 1 day down, 340 to go.
2. i'm in the middle of knitting a new scarf! i love the yarn (and the pattern) and i think i may try to make a hat to match. i've become oh-so ambitious.
3. i have a date on saturday night. even though we've been together for so long, i don't really remember the last time i had a "date night" with my boyfriend. i'm looking forward to it.
4. wordle.net is one of my new favorite websites. you should check it out.

day 1

2009-11-03T11:52:00.002-06:00

today's the day: the start of my marathon training!

well, it's actually just the first day of my conditioning to help me build up to my actual marathon training that will start on february 8. i figured i needed to re-establish my love of running and build up my endurance before i began my actual training in the middle of winter. good idea? i think so.

i never thought i'd say it, but i can't remember the last time i was this excited and antsy to run 3 miles.

hopefully my legs won't be jello when i wake up tomorrow morning.

never say never

2009-10-30T11:46:00.003-05:00

some things we don't talk about
better do without
just hold a smile
we're falling in and out of love
the same damn problem
together all the while

you can never say never when we don't know why
time and time again
younger now then we were before

don't let me go
don't let me go
don't let me go

picture - you're the queen of everything
as far as the eye can see
under your command
i will be your guardian
when all is crumbling
steady your hand

you can never say never when we don't know why
time and time again
younger now then we were before

don't let me go
don't let me go
don't let me go

we're falling apart
and coming together again and again
we're coming apart
but we hold it together
hold it together...together again

don't let me go
don't let me go
don't let me go

don't let me go

it's been a long week. a long week of my life seeming rather undone, directionless, and scattered. upon recently turning 26, i never saw my life being the way it is at this moment. unraveling family members, broken trust, and being unsatisfied with my current job situation all make me question, "where is my life going? what am i doing wrong? how can i improve or make things better?"

i've always considered myself an optimistic individual - happygolucky - carefree and ready to take on the world. i need to get back to that place. and i always put others before myself...but right now...

ME FIRST.
help me Lord.

and on that note, i've decided i'm going to run the chicago marathon next year. yes, i'm well-aware that it's 11 months away, but i'm gonna do it and do it well. it is, afterall, on 10.10.2010 - which we all know is my birthday! overall, i'll be running 26.2 miles on the day i turn 27. i never saw myself running a marathon - ever! - but at this "crossroads" in my life, i feel like it will be an appropriate undertaking and an opportunity to challenge and push myself in a way i never have before. i'd also like to do it in honor of my G'ma - maybe run and raise money for the arthritis foundation? i'll have to look into that...

i know it's early, but the plan is to start training slowly over the next few months (ie get back into the running habit and start early conditioning) to begin a 35-week training program in february.

some people have said, in regards to my plan, "yeah, i'll believe it when i see it."
well world, keep watching.

Question:

2009-10-27T16:45:00.002-05:00

How can one go from being so high over an amazing weekend at home to a complete low - allofasudden - when she returns to the city?

I wish I had the answers.

The Heart of Life

2009-04-03T08:55:00.003-05:00

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good...

Carol Jeannette Jones. I have and will always love you.
I miss you more than you know.
But I know you're finally at peace.

You're Home.
RUN FREE.

How Great Is Our God

2009-03-27T20:31:00.002-05:00

The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice, all the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at his voice, and trembles at his voice

How great is our God,
Sing with me
How great is our God,
And all will see
How great, How great
Is our God

Age to age He stands, and time is in His Hands
Beginning and the End, Beginning and the End
The Godhead, Three in one, You are Father, Spirit, Son
The Lion and the Lamb, the Lion and the Lamb

How great is our God,
Sing with me
How great is our God,
And all will see
How great, How great
Is our God

Name above all names
You are worthy of all praise
My heart will sing how great
Is our God

You're the name above all names
And You are worthy of all praise
And my heart will sing how great
Is our God

How great is our God,
Sing with me
How great is our God,
And all will see
How great, How great
Is our God

How great is our God,
Sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see
How great, How great
Is our God

I love you G'ma Jones. I'm sorry for not being closer...but I'll be home soon.

Love Story

2008-11-10T23:04:00.002-06:00

We were both young when I first saw you
I closed my eyes and the flashback starts
I'm standing there...on a balcony in summer air

See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello...little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet"
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you, please don't go
And I said...

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story...baby, just say yes

So, I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes...escape this town for a little while
Oh, oh...

Cause you were Romeo, I was the scarlet letter
And my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet"
But you were my everything to me
I was begging you, please don't go
And I said...

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story...baby, just say yes

Romeo, save me
They try to tell me how I feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story...baby, just say yes
Oh, oh...

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town
And I said...

Romeo, save me
I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you, but you never come
Is this in my head
I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said...

Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad
Go pick out a white dress
It's a love story...baby, just say yes

'Cause we were both young when I first saw you...

I'm so in love.

Here's to a quarter-century!

2008-10-12T17:18:00.002-05:00

So I just had the BEST WEEKEND EVER!

Multiple dinners and desserts.
Toasts and drinks.
Friends and surprises.
Waking up smiling four days in a row.
Never-ending laughter.

I had -- quite possibly! -- the best weekend ever. I love my friends and Mike so much, and want to thank you all for making my birthday so special and memorable.

Here's to the next 25!

GO ME!

2008-10-03T10:44:00.002-05:00

I get to go home in t-minus 4 hours.
I get to celebrate mine and my bro's birthday with my parents and Mike.
I get to hit up Ann Arbor for sweet football Saturday.
I get to see some of my best buds.
I get to go to MY church.
I get to see Da Bears play in Detroit.

The next week is going to be great, too.

A week of working at the cafe.
A sweet hash downtown on Thursday.
A fancy dinner out with Mike on Friday.
A fantastic 25th birthday celebration on Saturday.

And...

I GOT A JOB! I FINALLY DID IT! I START IN TWO-ISH WEEKS! YAY!!

ROCK ON!

Already Gone

2008-09-29T16:30:00.002-05:00

My Mama mapped out the road that she knows
Which hands you shake and which hands you hold
In my hand-me-down Mercury, ready to roll
She knew that I had to go
And hangout, make lots of noise and layout late with a boy
Make the mistakes that she made 'cause she knew all along...

I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump on.

They say the first time won't ever last
But that didn't stop me the first time he laughed
All my friends tried to warn me the day that we met
"Girl, don't you lost your heart yet"
But his dark eyes dared me with danger and sparks fly like flame to a paper
Fire in his touch burning me up, but still I held on...

I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump on.

The last time I saw him, we packed up my things
And he smiled like the first time he told me his name
And we cried with each other
We split the blame for the parts that we couldn't change
Pictures, dishes and socks...it's our whole life down to one box
There he was waving goodbye on the front porch alone...

But I was already gone.
I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone

Hangout, make lots of noise and layout late with a boy
Make the mistakes that she made, life is a runaway train
My mama mapped out the road that she knows
Which hands to shake, which hands you hold
In my hand-me-down Mercury...

Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump on...

I head home this weekend with my best friend for an amazing family-football-friend-filled weekend, and it can't get here fast enough. I'm glad that words can't describe my excitment...otherwise this would be the longest post in the history of all posts.

My head is in Chicago...but my heart is already gone...

what am i doing today?

2008-09-24T11:19:00.003-05:00

oh right...i'm waiting for a group of men to come to my apartment with a new windshield for my car.

why do i need a new windshield, you ask?

well...

we had a volleyball game last night, which i drove to. i parked my car in a lot/side alley that is ALWAYS used for parking and that my friends and i have ALWAYS parked in. after winning our game and having a celebratory drink, i decided it was time to leave at about 10:30. upon returning to my car...what exactly do i discover?

EIGHT BULLET HOLES IN MY WINDSHIELD. WTF?!

what does this mean exactly?

that i was extremely upset last night. that i've officially lost my day-off to get stuff done. and that i'm $256.52 poorer.

oh, the "joys" and "little pleasures" of living in the city.

September 11, 2001

2008-09-11T21:47:00.001-05:00

...NEVER FORGET...

bummed

2008-09-04T16:09:00.002-05:00

it would be nice if once...JUST ONCE...things went my way. i wish someone would see my potential and give me a chance. i want to make a difference and help change the lives of kids...but how can you do that when you don't have experience, and how do you get experience when no one will give you a chance?

persistence is key.

Be awesome!

2008-08-29T18:11:00.002-05:00

My five glasses of wine are officially in Chi-town.

Let the good times with the old ladies begin!!

Life is good.

2008-08-26T16:49:00.003-05:00

Seriously...where have the past three months gone? It seems like yesterday was Memorial Day...and all of the sudden it's Labor Day. What? How did that happen?

In any case, the past three months have been GREAT. I realize my last post was a little depressing. But...I basically just needed a little kick in the butt, and since then, I can't really complain. The good Lord above has truly blessed my life richly, and I could NOT ask for anything more. I have wonderful people in my life who truly care about me. My life is, slowly but surely, falling into place. AND I've had an incredibly fun summer...

Chilled time with friends.
Nights out with the girls.
BBQs and bags.
Weekend roadtrips.
Cubs games.
Wedding craziness.
Lazy days at the beach and on boats.
Working my butt off.
Interviewing as often as possible.

Seriously...who could complain about that? And, to make things even better, I have the reunion of all reunions to look forward to this weekend. Summer may have passed too quickly, but good times are still in store.

And I'm super happy. Life is good.

long drives suck

2008-06-02T16:14:00.002-05:00

i'm not a fan of 6-hour drives. they make you think too much.

and after thinking for six hours...

i'm unhappy with how my life is going.
i'm upset with myself for not being more proactive.
i'm disappointed with ME.

i need direction and motivation and to cut the crap. HELP.

no more tears. only positive thought/action. GO.

St. Theresa's Prayer

2008-04-15T12:07:00.003-05:00

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love.

It is there for each and every one of us...

The past month-and-a-half has been incredible. And now...not so much.
As someone very close to me said last night, "God has very great and interesting things planned for you..."
I know He does. And it comes in His time.

I just sometimes wish it would hurry up and get here.
More to come...

warmest winter

2008-03-03T16:08:00.002-06:00

signing my name on the paper
forgetting all about the last winter
when i fell in love with you
darling you know i loved you long before you knew

it was a cold december night
but it was so warm inside
and i don't quite remember what was said
but you looked at me and i fell into your rhythm baby

that was the warmest winter
i'd ever been through
and now all i have are memories to keep me from freezin' over

but as usual life delivers
not what i'm lookin for
but always what i really needed to keep me from goin' over

and i believe our memories will keep
hold on to the good ones
leave the others back so that we can proceed
and i believe that one must bleed
to value what inevitably comes
to those who are ready to receive
and i sure hope that i'll feel the breeze
of the summer's kiss upon my lips
or am i just naive
oh maybe i'm just naive

thinkin' of endless nights
dreamin' of far off sights
fallin' asleep to the silent sound of the snow
while we're wrapped up tight sheltered from the cold

rising to bright blue skies
greeted with big brown eyes
another day with you right by my side
couldn't ask for any more love in my life

and i believe our memories will keep
hold on to the good ones
leave the others back so that we can proceed
and i believe that one must bleed
to value what inevitably comes
to those who are ready to receive
and i sure hope that i'll feel the breeze
of the summer's kiss upon my lips
or am i just naive
oh maybe i'm just naive

i don't think i'm naive...but maybe i am. i've known for a while that this was coming. but now that it's happened, i feel so small and broken and alone. the tears won't stop flowing, and i'm already tired of holding soggy tissues. i know this was the right decision and is the right thing to do, but it's so hard to let go of someone you care so deeply about.

i know You're with me. please carry me. comfort me. help me be strong.

this is definitely going to be a struggle and take a long time. but i have to start the long trek at some point...
here goes nothing.

i want to know how forever feels

2008-02-29T17:46:00.003-06:00

the past week has been so all-over-the-place to a point where i don't know what direction i'm facing.
if you had asked me six months ago, i never would have imagined my life being the way it is now.

i'm confused.
i'm scared.
i'm frustrated.

but more than anything, i'm disappointed in myself. and i hate it.

i want to drive away.
i want to curl up in a ball and hide.
i want to be able to just cry in a comforting embrace.

i want reassurance that everything is going to be okay.
i want to feel accomplished and know that i can succeed at something.
i want you to be proud of me.

but more than anything

i want to know how forever feels...

THE THIRTIES: A Look Ahead...

2008-02-23T16:32:00.003-06:00

"I was thirty. Before me stretched the portentous, menacing road of a new decade."

Nick in F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby

"I will act as if what I do makes a difference."

William James, American psychologist and philosopher

A FINAL THOUGHT:

Remember graduating from high school? We did the whole cap-and-gown thing as the anticipation of graduating heightened with every walk-through. We camped out in the parking lot on the last day of school, making the pavement a playground. After the day's ceremony, we had our big party in some semi-cool location where we danced and played and bungeed and frolicked, thinking surely this must be the best day of our lives. The thing is, if that were true, it would be incredibly sad, because life isn't meant to top out at eighteen, nor are we to reach our peak at twenty-five.

Life should keep getting better all the time. Now, life should be far richer and fuller than it's ever been. We are wiser, sadder, more joyful, more loved, more loving, somewhat less angry, more traveled, less frantic (some of the time...), more well-read, tons more secure, at times less conflicted, better listeners, and who knows what else? Best of all, we're not confined to a room in our parents' house in which our bed took up practically the entire ten-by-ten-foot space.

If life isn't getting better in our twenties, it slowly will as we become more intentional in taking stock of who we are and who God is asking us to be. When we have an eternal perspective, we're able to moor ourselves to a rock that is higher than us, to a plan that is greater than we can know, and to a purpose that brings life into perspective as we bring the whole of who we are under the lordship of Christ and all he is.

Who am I? No more discussion. Go figure it out.

LEGACY: Rethinking Accomplishment and Success

2008-02-21T14:06:00.001-06:00

"Don't be anxious about what you have, but about what you are."

Gregory the Great

"We must learn that when the time comes that our pious works don't help and we find ourselves saying, I have done what I could; I have served my father and my master faithfully, I have defamed no one, and have not grumbled; I have faithfully instructed members of my household, my children, and my employees; as far as possible I have ruled well; I have caused my neighbor no injury, not have I stolen nor have I committed adultery. But to what avail? That will not help now. With all this the human heart will not be satisfied; it is frightened when it finds nothing which can stand before God Almighty and His judgement."

Martin Luther

IDEAS OF THINGS TO DO:

Begin with the end in mind. Try writing a draft of your obituary. What would you like others to say about you when you're gone?

If you have kids, be intentional about raising them. Don't abdicate their development to others.

Set goals for yourself and check periodically to see if you're accomplishing them.

Read books about great people from the past. There's a reason you've heard of them.

Spend time with kids, regardless of their ages. There is no more needy audience for heroes in today's world.

Don't be lazy. Life is too short.

Keep a book of quotes that are meaningful to you in your quest for success. They make for good reading when you're feeling down.

Pick two or three people each year and make a special effort to invest yourself in their lives. Spend time with them.

COMMUNITY: Living With All Kinds of Folks

2008-02-20T12:54:00.001-06:00

"He ain't heavy, he's my brother."

The Hollies

"Men are mirrors, or 'carriers' of Christ to other men. Sometimes unconscious carriers. This 'good infection' can be carried by those who have not got it themselves. People who were not Christians themselves helped me to Christianity. But usually it is those who know Him that bring Him to others. That is why the Church, the whole body of Christians showing Him to one another, is so important. You might say that when two Christians are following Christ together there is not twice as much Christianity as when they are apart, but sixteen times as much."

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

IDEAS OF THINGS TO DO:

Take your mom or dad or both out to eat the next time you see them and thank them.

Ask your grandparents to tell you stories about their childhood.

Forgive your parents and siblings if you need to, and don't forget to take responsibility for your part of the situation, making amends by asking them to forgive you.

God to a family reunion.

Decide to start over if you had a family you weren't proud of.

Call your parents regularly, not just on Mother's Day and Father's Day.

Cultivate your friendships by making time, showing up, and asking questions.

Go to church with the expectation of learning, growing, and giving, but also go with the expectation of meeting God there.

Meet with the pastor and take him out for lunch or breakfast.

God to the various men's and women's retreats your church offers.

Start an adopt-a-college-student program at your church.

Volunteer in various outreach events and even plan some.

Learn the old hymns and sing them from your heart.

Learn to sing new songs, the hymns of today.

Get to know people older and younger than you.

Volunteer for nursery duty every once in a while.

LOVE: The Significance of "Significant Other"

2008-02-03T14:51:00.001-06:00

"Love until it hurts. Real love is always painful and hurts. That it is real and pure."

Mother Teresa

"Some people call me the Space Cowboy...some call me the Gangster of Love."

Steve Miller Band, The Joker

IDEAS OF THINGS TO DO:

If You're Single...

Don't buy into the cultural standards of what makes a worthy mate. Take the time to discover what God says makes a worthy mate. Discuss these with your friends.

If you choose to date, don't seriously date someone you wouldn't marry.

Go out and have fun with people. Initiate friendships.

Remember that it's okay for a man and a woman to go out and have dinner without it being a huge deal, but be wise the second and third time. Eventually it can become a big deal.

Spend a lot of time with same-sex friends talking about relationships. Be real and honest with your struggles, and get some help and accountability for the issues you're dealing with.

Memorize 1 Corinthians 10:13 and take it seriously.

Don't have sex until you're married. If you already have, ask God for forgiveness and resolve from that point on to save sex for your husband or your wife.

Don't think that marriage will provide all the answers to your problems. Marriage is hard and so often only magnifies the issues you're already struggling with. Get to know some married couples and ask them to be honest and vulnerable about how marriage is for them.

Don't just try to find the Right Person for you; try to be the Right Person for someone else.

Keep asking that who-am-I question as you think about dating or getting married. Otherwise you might get wrapped up in the circumstances or the conquest and try to answer What-will-I-do? question by getting married before you're ready.

If You're Engaged...

Make sure you get some good marriage counseling and start applying it plenty of time ahead. This is a chance to talk some things out and get further understanding about marriage with good biblical foundations.

Try not to be engaged for longer than eight or nine months. If you think you should be engaged for longer than a year, why not just wait and get engaged a bit later? The longer the engagement, the more temptation lies ahead, not to mention the headache of spending more time than you need to plan the wedding.

Don't live together until you're married.

Try to enjoy being engaged. It's a very weird time since you're sort of in between everything, but it can be a time of great job and expectation!

Have a fun wedding. Remember that the goal is to get married, not to have a show-stopping wedding. Don't blow every penny you have on something that will last only a few hours and leave you destitute for the next ten years.

Try not to go very far into debt for a honeymoon. Get advice from others who have gone before you. Have fun! The most important thing is not the location but the fact that you're now on a vacation with your new spouse! Hey, that even could be fun in Hays, Kansas, right?!

If You're Married...

Be intentional about setting up your house after you're married. This is a great time to figure out some priorities for where you'll live, how much stuff you'll have, etc.

Get involved in a young marrieds class at your church or start one. Also, hang out with and ask questions of couples who have been married for ten, twenty-five, and even fifty years.

Try to live off only one income so if and when you have kids and one of you stays home, you won't have that big of a financial adjustment to make.

Make a commitment that marriage is for a lifetime. Never throw the word divorce around casually as a joke, threat, or consideration.

Marriage is a cross-cultural experience. Take care to get to know the other person not only before you get married but also afterward. What type of toothpaste does she like? Does he like sleeping with the windows open or closed? How will you divide up household responsibilities such as the cooking and food shopping? What about decisions on moving? The number of kids? Holidays? These can be areas of cross-cultural tension, but they can also be resolved somewhat easily if you talk about them.

Wherever you Are...

Limit or stop media intake that isn't helping. The lie is that it won't affect you, but it will -- as well as those around you.

Enjoy your friends. Get to know them. Delight in them.

Talk to people who have been in the same situation you are. Ask them questions. Consider their advice. Sometimes that can make all the difference in realizing you are not alone.

TIME: Using (Not Just Having) the Time of Our Lives

2008-01-31T13:16:00.000-06:00

"Once you become aware that the main business that you are here for is to know God, most of life's problems fall into place of their own accord."

J. I. Packer, Knowing God

"Ruthlessly eliminate hurry."

Dallas Willard, in John Ortberg's The Life You've Always Wanted

IDEAS OF THINGS TO DO:

Take personal retreats. God away by yourself and spend the day with God. Take your Bible and a journal and maybe a devotional book and simply sit and be still. Pray over the lists you have made. Talk out loud and have a real conversation with your Maker and Redeemer. Linger over the Scriptures.

Take prayer walks. Involving your legs and your mind gives a slightly different dimension to your prayers. Get out and walk around your neighborhood or outside your office, praying for the people in the buildings as you pass by.

Use your time in the car for Scripture memory or prayer or listening to teaching tapes. Car time can be so wasted on talk radio, top forty, and what the latest trade rumors are for the shortstop on your favorite baseball team. Some of that is fine, but be aware that your time could also be redeemed in ways that might be more helpful.

Read good books.

Get involved at your church. Be there. Get in a small group. Invite others to pray with you and read the Bible with you. Attend a conference now and then to expand your learning.

God a day (a week? a year?) without a watch, and learn to structure your days in other ways.

Make a "stop-doing" list, and stop doing what you write down as time wasters.

Don't complain about how little time you have, and don't let others do it around you either. Instead, focus on talking about how you're investing your time and what you expect the fruits of that investment will one day be.

Set parameters when you meed with people. If you really only have thirty minutes, tell them so and leave on time so they understand you're serious about redeeming your time.

Don't waste others' time; instead respect it by not being late to appointments.

Put together a time budget.

Plan blocks of uninterrupted time so you can focus and get done what you need to get done.

Stop believing the lie that you are important because of all you do.

MONEY: Resisting the American Dream

2008-01-26T16:26:00.000-06:00

"We have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace."

Abraham Lincoln, National Feast Day proclamation in 1863

"The greatest enemy of hunger for God is not poison but apple pie. It is not the banquet of the wicked that dulls our appetite for heaven, but endless nibbling at the table of the world...the greatest adversary of love to God is not his enemies but his gifts. And the most deadly appetites are not for the poison of evil, but for the simple pleasures of Earth. For when these replace an appetite for God Himself, the idolatry is scarcely recognizable, and almost incurable."

John Piper, A Hunger for God

IDEAS OF THINGS TO DO:

Read books about financial issues.

Save up your money and wait to buy things later.

Make a budget and stick to it.

Don't accumulate credit cards. (You only need one.)

Pay off your credit card every month. (So don't charge too much!)

If you have debt already, think of creative ways to make and save more money. Set goals for how much you will be able to pay off each month.

Resist the urge to think you always need something new.

Buy clothes on sale during their off-peak times.

Take out loans only for big things -- school, houses, and cars. Try not to take out a loan for the whole amount and attempt to make double payments if possible.

Buy a home that fits your needs, not as a status symbol.

Work fewer hours and make less money so you can have more time to volunteer for things you care about.

Agree with your friends to live by biblical principles and use positive peer pressure to encourage one another to resist the world's temptations.

Don't eat out as much.

If you're married, decide to live off only one income and save the money from the second job. that way your standard of living won't climb higher and higher, and you'll have some money socked away when the time comes to buy the things you need.

Ask for financial guidance from someone in your church who is older and has experience in that field.

Read magazines to boost your knowledge base.

Make car payments to yourself so you can build up a big down payment.

Have banks automatically take money out of your account and put it into savings.

Come up with a percentage for giving and take it off the top each week or month.

Be a giver with your stuff too. Be generous with your house, your food, your possessions. Cultivate a generous heart.

Tithe to your church and be involved with its mission.

Pick one or two other ministries or missionaries you feel passionate about or know personally and give to them.

Give your time. Be with people in need.

Realize you are rich, abundantly blessed, and able to give to those who have less than you.

Move in with others. You will save money (and experience community).

Drive your car until it drops. Resist the idea that your car is a status symbol and something that gives you an identity. Use it for what it is: transportation.

Go through your clothes and give away what you haven't worn in the past year.

Check out movies at the library. (They're free, and you can keep them for a full week).

FAITHFULNESS: The Crucible of the Twenties

2008-01-24T14:58:00.000-06:00

"Faithfulness and sincerity are the highest things."

Confucius

"That we have but little faith is not sad, but that we have little faithfulness."

Henry David Thoreau

IDEAS OF THINGS TO DO:

Look for chances to serve others in little ways.

Read books and biographies about people who overcame incredibly difficult circumstances and were faithful in the process. There's nothing like life-examples to motivate us.

Do a good job in every little task you're given, especially the ones nobody else wants.

Pursue excellence without driving everyone else crazy. In other words, know when to draw the line between excellence and "control freak."

Check your motives, preferably with someone who will be honest enough to call on impure ones (spouses are particularly good for this).

Make commitments and do everything physically possible to keep them.

Guard your integrity and faithfulness like a bulldog. Do what you say you will. Apologize when you don't. Don't slander, but tell the truth. These are little decisions that crop up all the time that put legs to our faithfulness.

TEACHABILITY: Learning to Learn from Anyone

2008-01-17T13:57:00.000-06:00

"In order to influence people, the artist must be constantly searching, so that his work is a quest. If he has discovered everything and knows everything and instructs people or deliberately sets out to entertain them, he has no influence on them. Only when he is searching for the way forward, do the spectator and the listener become one with him in his quest."

Leo Tolstoy

"Perhaps my greatest wisdom is the knowledge that I do not know."

John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley

IDEAS OF THINGS TO DO:

Read the Bible, the greatest book of all. Read it looking for certain themes (sovereignty, love, grace, emotion, anger over sin). Read it looking for a better knowledge of the Father who loves you, the Savior who came and lived and died for you, and the Holy Spirit who lives in you. Look for the gospel in the Old Testament, which is all over the place.

Look into taking a college course by extension or enrolling in a course or two at a local seminary or university. You don't have to get a degree, but the course material itself and the loving law of grades and tests might open you up to new ideas and greater knowledge of God.

Read, read, read.

Form a group that cares about theology and life, and take the time to study and talk over what you're learning.

Invest in tapes of teachers who speak the truth in love.

Review what you're learning and take inventory of the thoughts you already have.

Apply your new knowledge to your life.

2007-12-31T10:36:00.000-06:00

The past year has been another whirlwind as 2007 comes to a sudden halt and 2008 quickly approaches...

Christmas at home with the family was better than I could have asked for. The smells, sights, and sounds all brought me back to my childhood, and the warm and loving embrace of my family was something that I needed more than I realized. I learned this year that the song lyrics are indeed true: "There's no place like home for the holidays." There's just something about going back to the place you've always known for such a loving and warm time of year. Although it was sometimes a little much to be under my parent's roof again and have to recount my life as of the past six months to so many people, it was what my heart was craving and the best gift I could have asked for. From laughing with my Daddy, to baking cookies with my Mama, to have tickle fights with my Big Bro...there's no place like home for the holidays.

However wonderful Christmas was, being back home in Chicago is better than ever. It's beginning to truly sink in that THIS is my new home. I've laid roots and established myself in a new place away from my family...and I was anxious to return to my new friends and ways in the Windy City. I couldn't ask for a better living situation, a more fun/random group of friends, a more-loving boyfriend, or a more-supportive and encouraging extended family. I am truly blessed.

God has done amazing things in my life over the past year...and it's incredible to think of all He will do and move in and through me in the 12-months to come. I'm excited and anxious and ready to for a clean, fresh start.

Here's to an incredible 2007 and an every better 2008. Raise your glasses...cheers on three...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

INTEGRITY: Living Out Who We Are

2007-12-14T15:54:00.000-06:00

"Who steals my purse steals trash...but he that filches from me my good name...makes me poor indeed."

William Shakespeare, Othello, Act 3, Scene 3

"The pursuit of integrity is never the pursuit of perfection but of who I am and of what I can do."

Bill Thrall, The Ascent of a Leader

IDEAS OF THINGS TO DO:

Don't lie on your taxes.

Don't pretend you're someone else to get something you want.

Don't pretend you're someone else on the Internet.

Pay people back when you borrow money from them.

Follow through on tasks that have been assigned to you.

Don't get addicted to things (not even coffee).

Be honest with yourself and with others. Be real. Be vulnerable (when appropriate).

Repent often.

Keep your commitments even if it hurts. Hold yourself to them. Do not break them.

HUMILITY: Overcoming the Tyranny of Self

2007-12-13T15:35:00.000-06:00

"Pride is preoccupation with one's accomplishments and one's failures."

Jim Downing, 'Dealing with the Guilt of Your Past'

"When a proud man thinks he is humble, his case is hopeless."

Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

IDEAS OF THINGS TO DO:

Don't take credit for things you didn't do.

Serve by volunteering to do jobs you don't like.

Give thanks for the people who regularly do the jobs you don't like to do. Show them that you appreciate them.

Write thank-you notes to people when they do nice things for you.

Submit yourself to the elders of your church.

Realize that you don't know everything, and learn humbly from everyone.

Allow God to lift you up in due time -- don't take matters into your own hands.

Listen to people -- especially those who love you -- when they offer critique and criticism.

Learn a new skill. It will remind you that you can't do everything well.

Here's hoping we get the kite in the air...

2007-12-12T21:52:00.000-06:00

THE QUESTION OF OUR TWENTIES...
"It will be in vain for me to stock my library, or organize societies, or project schemes, if I neglect the culture of myself."
Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Letters to My Students

"It doesn't happen all at once...you become. It takes a long time."
Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

GOD HAS A WONDERFUL (AND STRANGE AND CONFUSING) PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE...
"Approaching God is not a matter of miles but of experience."
A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

"He became what we are that He might make us what He is."
Irenaeus

CHARACTER...

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

Helen Keller, from Helen Keller's Journal

"A man's character is his fate."

Heraclitus

WORLDVIEW...

"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore."

Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's new calendar

"As human beings, we all make meaning. We search for a sense of connection, pattern, order, and significance. In our ongoing interaction with all of life, we puzzle about the fitting, truthful relationships among things. We search for ways of understanding our experience that make sense of both the expected and the unexpected in everyday life."

Sharon Daloz Parks, Big Questions, Worthy Dreams

IDEAS OF THINGS TO DO:

Take your calling seriously. Do what you feel called to do with a sense of the importance of your contribution to the world in that area. If you are especially gifted in art, for example, pursue it with excellence. Many times we Christians produce substandard art because we aren't pushed to excel. Allow yourself to be sharpened and do your best.

In your work and art, be real. We don't need sugary Christianese that is so pervasive. Be honest with your struggles. Open up and let the world know that we don't have all the answers and don't live perfect lives. Talk and write about -- and even paint -- your pain, your defeats, your wonderings, your inner life. Christians don't have to be viewed as hypocrites but can be seen as real people who have a trustworthy and safe place to go with their hurts.

Reconnect with your creativity. We all have something we can do to express the creative heart God has given us. Maybe it's something like painting, poetry, prose, music, or sculpting. Or you can be artistic in other areas. Organizing, decorating, showing mercy, and offering hospitality can all be creative. We can use our talents in the wold in such a way that shows our Father as a Creator.

Buy some art and display it in your home. Not something you can buy from a magazine, but something you picked out from an art show or had commissioned by one of your friends. It is uniquely satisfying to make an exchange of money and art with the artist himself, an experience you must take advantage of when you can.

Don't allow your church to glorify and mystify "ministry" and branch off "secular" jobs. A biologist or letter carrier has just as much of a mission as a pastor or an overseas missionary.

Twenty Someone

2007-12-11T15:51:00.000-06:00

"The decade of your twenties is full of important, stressful, maddening questions: What will I do? Who will I love? Where will I live?

But maybe there's a bigger question: Who am I? The fact is, the period of time between your teens and thirties will shape a lot of your character, your calling, and your view of the world.

Authors Craig Dunham and Doug Serven (recent graduates of their twenties) explain that the difference between a twentysomething and a twentysomeone has to do with the questions we ask. Instead of asking, 'What will I do?' twentysomeones need to ask 'Who am I?' -- the real question of the twenties.

Full of personal experience and practical wisdom, TwentySomeone helps you make the most of your twenties while giving you the skills to handle common life experiences like singlehood, first jobs, getting married, having kids, and buying stuff. This is a guidebook that will help you discover who God is calling you to be."

I'm reading the book 'TwentySomeone' for about the third time. Not only has it given me great insight as to "what to expect" when you're in your twenties, but it's also been an incredibly amazing way for me to self-reflect and "better" navigate my way through this strange decade when I feel like I'm in a constant state of limbo.

Each chapter, focusing on a particular trait or issue we face in our twenties, has a series of meaningful, thought-provoking quotes, along with a list of 'Things To Do.' However silly it may seem, they both always make me think about where I am in my spiritual and daily walk, along with helping me to (sort of...) figure my place out in the world. I decided that it may be wise to share. It's really about the little things in life, right? Maybe it'll spark something in you...

Welcome to our decade of transition!

This Is Me

2007-12-09T14:02:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I have my addictions and keep my share of secrets and things you'll never see
I get selfish and defensive and pay too much attention to my insecurities
Oh I...I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself

I don't know what you believe or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me
What I do and who I am, all of my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
This is me

My heart breaks for the homeless, I worry about my parents, and all my bills are late
I'm dealing with the changes, this complicated strangeness of seeing life this way
I...I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself

I don't know what you believe or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me
What I do and who I am, all of my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
This is me

I laugh at silly movies, tear up when I see babies, and can be as stubborn as a stone
I criticize my body, I wonder if I'm ready to ever be alone
Oh I...I'm just like everybody else
I cry...just like everybody else

I don't know what you believe or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me
What I do and who I am, all of my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me

This is me...

I haven't posted for over a year. I forgot how important it is for me to write and reflect over my life and the comings-and-goings of my days. However random and obtuse it may be, it's necessary for me to share...even if it is with those few-and-far-between. I'm looking forward to this...more than you could know.

But...moving on...what a year it's been! The ups-and-downs. The highs-and-lows. The laughter-and-tears. Looking back with flashes of so many memories running through my head, I both smile and see how much I've grown...yet also see how far I still have to go to be all that He desires me to be. It's hard to explain, but my heart is so full yet burdened at the same time, and I struggle to find where/what/who I'm supposed to be...

The season of Advent is underway. My Christmas tree is up. The songs of bells and sleigh rides fill the air. The streets of Chicago are busy and slushy. Christmastime is defined by joy and peace and love. The next three weeks have a lot to offer...all of which I pray are filled with as much joy, peace, and love that my past Christmases have been blessed with.

That's all for now. More to come soon.

Welcome back...this is ME.

happy day to me

2006-10-09T19:46:00.000-05:00

on the eve of my 23rd birthday
i sit in my little apartment in the heart of chicago and
wonder/ponder/ask

what will happen tomorrow?
what will develop in the next two months?
when they find the results, what will they be?
is he really out there?
what will the coming year bring?

i do not have the answers to any of these questions
only HE does

so what will my 23rd year of life bring?
i do not know

but here's to making it the best yet

learn
live
be
go

happy day to me

2006-09-11T19:48:00.000-05:00

...NEVER FORGET...

wowzers

2006-08-25T19:40:00.000-05:00

so i'm leaving for chicago in less than 18-hours to start my student teaching semester. HOLY COW. i'm kinda freaking out...and kinda sad to be saying bye to my parents...and kinda wish i was going back to holland where everything is familiar...but i know this will be an amazing growing and working experience.

i've kinda been a stinker at updating this regularly throughout the summer. and by kinda i mean really.

june and july were awesome...plain and simple. not too crammed with work and full of fun times with friends and family. kid kat kamp was incredible. i know i say that every summer that "this year was the best year ever" -- but i think it's a true statement this year. everything just went so smoothly, the staff bonded like no other, and i saw Jesus touch the hearts of kampers like He's never done before. what a blessing...in so many ways. and, for the record, steve was definitely with us. PRAISE THE LORD.

august has been great...a little more up and down. times with the family have been a little rough. my mom majorly hurt her knee and has basically been restricted to bed for the past three weeks. she's not able to take me to chi-town...which brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it...but i know she'll be better soon. it's just hard to imagine that it's the end of august...and i'm leaving again.

but i'm very excited to go...to see friends and be in the city again and have a great learning/teaching/growing/stretching experience will be a true blessing.

looking ahead...i've talked to my parents about culinary school. so that's basically in the cards. and i'm hoping to head to california next august...but all of that is on hold for the next few months.

anyways...just thought i'd send out a quick update into space for the few of you that actually read this. i know once i'm "on my own" i'll be writing more for my own sanity...but in the meantime...

all my love and blessings.
ms. w.

counting down the hours

2006-07-20T20:15:00.001-05:00

this is it. the highlight of my summer vaca is finally here.
KID KAT KAMP!!
leaving early tomorrow morning for an amazing week full of kids, friends, and all of God's grace and love. He has great things in store for us...
may YOU remove the clouds from our eyes so that YOUR plan may be revealed to us.

this one is for you Steve.
ATTITUDE CHECK...PRAISE THE LORD.

simmer down

2006-07-13T21:40:00.000-05:00

hey israel,
you have one of my best friends in your hands right now.
bring him home safe.
pretty please.
love, me

please watch over and keep him, Lord.

news flash

2006-06-12T16:28:00.000-05:00

i fit into a SIZE 6 today. right...that hasn't happened since high school.
who's pumped?
me.
who's gonna look stellar at the two weddings she's attending in the next two weeks?
that's right...ME again.

on another note...summer's been great. and i'm kinda loving life.
God is good ALL the time.

time for a quickie

2006-05-25T16:33:00.000-05:00

i realize i haven't updated since my graduation from college. INSANE.
my super stellar summer has been quite amazing so far. the normal ups and downs of life.
but...overall...i can't complain:
the rain has traded itself in for the sunshine. always a good thing.
i've enjoyed seeing my gang for the past week.
this weekend in "the thumb" with my old ladies will easily rock itself and make my life SO much better.
but...my girls all leaving me next week...which will be a very, very sad day indeed.
Chicago paperwork is filled out. Kamp paperwork is filled out.
still working on that whole summer job thing. no worries.
nights filled with ice cream and coffee have been super duper.
seeing movies such as 'stick it' and 'just my luck' have ultimately made me revert back to my high school days.
times with the fam have been a little pressing. death and disease tend to put a minor damper on things.
i'm kinda worried about my mom's health. not looking too hot. and it scares me.
i'm considering asking someone to a wedding via facebook. which -- let's be honest! -- would SO be like me.
i've been spending lots of time with church people. and building steve's cabins has been crazy sweet.
the whole "working out" thing has been going well. i've dropped three pounds in the last two weeks. bonus.
um...i think that's about it...for now at least.
happy memorial day weekend...enjoy the sunny weather for me.

out like trout. peace and love.

I Go Back

2006-05-07T08:43:00.000-05:00

"Jack and Diane" painted a picture of my life and my dreams, suddenly this crazy world made more sense to me. Well I heard it today and I couldn't help but sing along, cause everytime I hear that song...

I go back to a two-toned short bed Chevy, drivin' my first love out to the levvy, livin' life with no sense of time.
And I go back to the feel of a fifty yard line,a blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine, wishin' time would stop right in its tracks.
Everytime I hear that song...I go back.

I used to rock all night long to "Keep On Rockin Me Baby." Frat parties, college bars, just tryin' to impress the ladies. I heard it today and I couldn't help but sing along, Cause everytime I hear that song....

I go back to the smell of an old gym floor, the taste of salt on the Carolina shore, AFTER GRADUATION AND DRINKIN' GOODBYE TO FRIENDS.
And I go back to watchin' summer fade to fall, growin' up too fast and I do recall, wishin' time would stop right in its tracks.
Everytime I hear that song...I go back.
I go back.

We all have a song that somehow stamped our lives. Takes us to another place and time.

So I go back to a pew, preacher, and a choir, singin' 'bout God, brimstone, and fire, and the smell of Sunday chicken after church.
And I go back to the loss of a real good friend, and the sixteen summers I shared with him, now "Only The Good Die Young" stops me in my tracks.
Everytime I hear that song...

I go back...
To the feel of a fifty yard line, a blanket, a girl, some raspberry wine
I go back...
To watchin' summer fade to fall, growin' up too fast and I do recall...
I go back...
To the loss of a real good friend, and the sixteen summers I shared with him...
I go back...

I go back...

Today's the day. GRADUATION. In a few short hours, I will be a Hope College Alumini.
Thanks to all of my wonderful friends, family, and the good Lord above for getting me through today -- I couldn't have done it without you!
Congratulations Class of 2006 -- let's toss those motarboards!
Love from me and JC,
Carrie J.

done and done

2006-05-03T17:25:00.000-05:00

so that's it. four years of college suddenly come to a screeching halt.
as of this morning, i officially completed my college career.
absolutely CRAZY!
no more class. no more papers. no more exams. ever. that's it. the walls of my apartment are suddenly bare. my closet is (almost) empty. there's a weird echo i never knew existed in our living room. people are slowly leaving campus. part of me honestly feels like i just began my freshmen year...and now -- allofasudden -- i'm standing face-to-face with the real world.
even more CRAZY!
but we still have a few more days to make a few more memories that will last for the rest of our lives. let's keep it fun and smile lots...pretend like we really won't be saying "goodbye" but "see you soon."

april showers brought the tulips.
may brings many new beginnings.
i'm excited to see what the summer has in store.
but in the meantime...
let's live up our last days of college.
and...GO!

2006-04-29T22:48:00.000-05:00

true love waits

Spring Fling

2006-04-28T21:07:00.000-05:00

Well...today was it. My offical last Friday as a college senior.
Within a matter of days, I will be completely finished with my college career at Hope College with graduation activities and commencement ceremonies following shortly after.
How quickly four years have gone by. How quickly we will be saying "goodbye for now."
So bitter-sweet.
But let's hang onto the sweetness...just a little longer.
For the next week perphaps?

I think I would love that.
Happy Spring Fling!

calling...?

2006-04-24T10:33:00.000-05:00

i'm so confused right now.
maybe it's the fact that my college career will be ending in 13 days.
maybe it's the fact that i'm slightly freaking out about student teaching in the inner city next fall.
maybe it's the fact that i'm just torn about leaving college and entering the "real world."
whatever it is, i'm confused.

basically, i feel like i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. vocation verses calling...i just feel like my mind goes in circles wrestling with this matter, and i never manage to figure anything out. i know i have a passion for history and kids and teaching, but the new, fresh, inviting thought of going to culinary school makes my heart skip a beat and eyes light up. it just brings up so many questions.
what have i been doing for the past four years of my life?
what do i want to do for the rest of my life?
but at the same time, it's not about ME. it's about what GOD is calling me to do.
and after all this time, i'm suddenly confused as to what that is exactly. thoughts of doubt tend to creep in and give me feelings of wonder and uncertainty.

man.
what is going on?

on the bright side...sandals are back, the tulips are budding, the grass is a new shade of green, and my cap and gown are hanging in my closet.
SUMMER is upon us...and with that, despite the confusion, i'm sure some answers will come.

13 days. let's do this right. let's end this with a bang. let's promise to keep in touch.

update

2006-04-18T22:13:00.000-05:00

i am almost finished with my history thesis.
i am seriously considering culinary school after student teaching.
i kinda want a tattoo on my ankle.
i miss europe.
i graduate from college in 19 days.

wowzers.

This just in...

2006-04-17T14:57:00.000-05:00

I just received a rather exciting letter in the mail.

I'M OFFICIALLY TEACHING IN CHICAGO IN THE FALL!!

Beyond pumped.

The Glory of Christ

2006-04-16T19:40:00.000-05:00

You, living Christ our eyes behold amid Your church appearing, all girt about Your breast with gold and bright apparel wearing; Your countenance is burning light, a sun resplendent in it's might: Lord Christ, we see Your glory!
Your glorious feet have sought and found Your own of every nation; with everlasting voice You sound the call of our salvation. You search us still with eyes of flame, You know and call us all by name: Lord Christ, we see Your glory!
O risen Christ, today alive amid Your church abiding; who now Your blood and body give, new life and strength providing. We join in heavenly company to sing Your praise triumphantly! Lord Christ, we see Your glory!
Lord Christ, we see Your glory!

The Lord is risen!
He is risen indeed!
ALLELUIA!!

Happy Easter everyone!!

2006-04-13T11:09:00.000-05:00

I've been craving ice cream like it's my job for the past week.
I've been wearing sandals and my sunglasses for the past four days.
I love the fact that the sun is constantly shining.
I'm greatly enjoying my new Rascal Flatts CD.
I get to go home in a few hours...
to see my favorite girls
to spend time with family
to celebrate the resurrection of JC
...and I can't help but smile.

Blessings and safe travels to everyone!
Much love.
CJ

my saturday

2006-04-01T22:45:00.000-06:00

woke up this morning
got ready for the day
ate a yummy breakfast of oatmeal
made a pot of coffee
looked up yummy recipes to cook for my weekly dinners
went to calvin to take my michigan teacher certification tests
sat in the same room for five hours filling out bubbles on my knowledge of history and poli sci
drove around jamming to country and drinking a well-deserved starbucks treat
went to meijer for a grocery run
came home and chilled for about ten minutes
discovered something was wrong with the sink
tired to fix the sink without ruining my french manicure
ran to lowe's to be a handy woman
ended up calling the plumber
didn't get to cook my yummy dinner
ate a banana with peanut butter instead
setting the clock ahead as we speak for daylight's saving
going to lose an hour of sleep before teaching sunday school

an ideal saturday? nope. a good saturday? absolutely.
it may just be another saturday...but nevertheless it's saturday...and it's mine.
and i'll take it anyway it comes.

2006-03-26T21:33:00.000-06:00

do you ever feel like an entire cd fits perfectly into the inner-workings of your life to make up your own, personal soundtrack? i kinda like it when that happens. it's like the feelings and emotions and thoughts that are flowing through your body and soul that you can't always easily express are being expressed in a beautiful creation by someone else.
and you're allowed to just sit and reflect.
and be.

"...with a thousand sweet kisses...i'll cover you..."

2006-03-25T22:55:00.000-06:00

one fine day

Everytime I Hear Your Name

2006-03-23T18:06:00.000-06:00

Finally got over that song of ours.
Stopped chasin' little red sports cars to check the license plates and back wood drivin' by your place.
Back makin' the rounds at our old haunts: Honky Tonks, restaurants.
And seein' some of our old friends: it feels good to dance again.
And I can finally smell your perfume and not look around the room for you.
And I can walk right by your picture in a frame and not feel a thing.
But when I hear your name...

I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
And nothin's changed, and we're still same.
And I get lost in the innocence of a first kiss,.
And I'm hangin' on to every word rollin' off of your lips.
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place...
Everytime I hear your name.

Got someone special in my life: everyone thinks she'd make a great wife.
Dad says he thinks she's the one; reminds him of Mom when she was young,
But it's way too soon to be talkin' about rings; don't wanna rush into anything.
She's getting over someone too, kinda like me and you.
And she talks about him every once in a while. And I just nod my head and smile.
'Cause I know exactly what she's goin' through...yeah, I've been there too.
And when the conversation turns to you...

I get caught in a "you were the only one for me,"
Kinda thought, and your face is all that I see.
I know I can't go back when I still go back.
And there we are, a point down by the riverside.
And I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time.
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place...
Everytime I hear your name.

So I'm thinkin' about the words I left unsaid.
Stop tryin' to change the things I can't change.
In my heart I know you're gone, but in my head...

I feel rain fallin' right out of the blue sky.
And it's the fifth of May, and I'm right there starin' in your eyes.
That's all it takes, and I'm in that place.
And there we are, a point down by the riverside.
And I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time.
And I can't explain, but I'm in that place...
Everytime I hear your name.

Everytime I hear your name...

you're coming to visit this weekend. and words could never express how happy and excited i am to see you.
an entire day with one of my best friends...priceless.
you know it's true...everything i do...
B.E.C and C.J.W. ~ forever friends

HS

2006-03-22T14:50:00.000-06:00

Even though my Spring Break was cut short with me having to come back to school to work on my history thesis and go to my high school field placement for half of the week...I don't think the smile on my face could be much bigger right now!
I'm actually looking forward to writing my FINAL history paper ever...I love my topic and am really interested in the class, so that's a good thing. Granted, I haven't started the bulk of the writing/research yet...so ask me in a week or so how I'm feeling about it.
Also, I just got back from my first full-day being a high school teacher. Basically, I can't put into words right now how I feel. I realize it wasn't a normal day for the average teacher and that I'll have a lot more responsibility next year...but...I LOVE IT!! I'm so excited to be a teacher right now and am SO psyched about how great the day was! I even made it through wearing pointy-toed shoes all day. Um...duh that's impressive.
I was able to wake up early enough to get a latte before having to be at school before 7:30 AM today. And I get to relax on the fu for the rest of the night. And the sun has been shining all day.
Man...I'm just so happy right now!

Smiles and hugs. Love and blessings.

UM...DUH!!

2006-03-16T09:59:00.000-06:00

pure JOY! spring break is finally here.
spring: flowers, blue skys, warm days, sunshine
break: home, friends, escape, rest

i'm beyond pumped.
safe travels and much love everyone!

beaming

2006-03-11T21:10:00.000-06:00

dance marathon 2006
laughter
tears
friends
$112,670.89

enough said

2006-03-07T09:41:00.000-06:00

Dance Marathon
3 days
GET PUMPED

bling bling

i'm SO excited!

Ash Wednesday

2006-03-01T10:26:00.000-06:00

Oh, Mercy, fall on me like a warm blanket...on my cold, cold heart.
Clean me with Your blood that turns me white on the inside.
I'm on my knees again 'cause I'm breaking Your heart.

Put in me what I cannot buy with gold.
Put in me, oh God...come restore my broken soul.
Put in me what I cannot give myself.
Put in me...a clean heart.

I know all my broken places like the back of my hand...that slapped Your face again.
Wash me in Your love and hold me tight like a baby.
Til I have no memory of ever breaking Your heart.

Put in me what I cannot buy with gold.
Put in me, oh God...come restore my broken soul.
Put in me what I cannot give myself.
Put in me...a clean heart.

And in the joy when You restore me, I will stand and walk again.
I will run into this world, I will call them to come in.
But I will not point my finger or grow that wicked skin...
That cannot remember what I will not forget how I broke You...or how I'm broken.

Put in me what I cannot buy with gold.
Put in me, oh God...come restore my broken soul.
Put in me what I cannot give myself.
Put in me...a clean heart.

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven...
When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law."
Matthew 6

The season of Lent begins...and Easter is fast approaching. Prepare me Lord.

2006-02-27T03:59:00.000-06:00

you'd honestly think that by the time you were in college that:
A. when you have a group project, that people would actually show up to work on it at the library
2. you'd have more than one person staying up all night to write the 7-9 page paper due at 8:30

let me tell you, one heck of a night.

a whole pot of coffee...just for me.

it's 5:00 AM. i'm taking a nap cause i have class in 3 hours.

oh...and to my group...you're welcome.

2006-02-25T22:42:00.000-06:00

I'm in love with Chicago. And I cannot wait for next fall.

My salsa exploded all over me and the kitchen today. It was a mess...but now a funny image in my head.

Sugarland and Kenny Chesney kinda make my life complete. So does Timmy.

Miranda has Steve...and he's great. I want a Steve.

Dance Marathon is in 13 days. Holy cow.

Fantasia is in a week. Who wants to take a pretty girl to her final dance?

2006-02-20T20:35:00.000-06:00

"...yeah man, that's the good stuff..."

your eyes

2006-02-17T23:49:00.000-06:00

your eyes
as we said our goodbyes
can't get them out of my mind
and i can't hide from
your eyes
the ones that took me by surprise
the night you came into my life
where there's moonlight
i see your eyes

how'd i let you slip away
when i'm longing so to hold you
now i'd die for one more day
'cause there's something i should
have told you
yes there's something i should have
told you

when i looked into your eyes
why does distance make us wise?
you were the song all along
and before the song dies

i should tell you i should tell you
i have always loved you
you can see it in my eyes

i went to see 'rent' tonight with some friends. i've seen it before, but it just hit me differently this time. made me think, made me cry, made me miss you and think about what used to be us...which hasn't happened since i don't know when.
it made me realize all over again that it's not about the little things...but the big picture. it's not about the unanswered questions or the mysteries that still remain. it's no longer about those unspoken words or the missed opportunities to show affection. it's about who we were and who we were together...and who we've become on our own and how we've found our way back to that friendship and love.
i honestly sit here with tears rolling down my checks. being thankful for all that has been and all that is to come. three wonderful years together...three years of figuring ourselves out...and finally finding each other again. and who knows where we'll go from here...

i know you don't read this...and not many people do...so why the frick not throw it out there?

it scares me that you're going to africa for two years. i know it'll be a wonderful growing experience and opportunity, and i honestly couldn't wish for anything better for you. and it's not like i'll just be sitting around town...i'm going my separate way also.
but for so long i've known who i am with you. and then i figured myself out without you. and what we have now is more than i ever could have asked or wished for...simply because you're part of my life in a real way again...where we can talk and laugh and be honest. and soon we won't have that anymore. and i know friendship can overcome time and distance and trials...as this one has many times. and i know we can do it again. but i just don't want to say good-bye to you again. i can't.
i kinda just love you a little too much...and you still have a piece of my heart.
we'll figure it out. we always seem to do a good job of that. it must be the wavelength.

this has been something i've thought about lately. kinda like a 'dawson and joey' thing...
can you have a soulmate that is not your future spouse?
i sometimes think you're mine.

just thought that
i should
maybe
tell you.

no day but today.

2006-02-10T02:16:00.000-06:00

it's 3:13 am
i'm officially done for the week
headed to iowa with the best roomie ever in less than 7 hours
relaxation
country tunes
sleep
home-cooked food
no school
lots of love and laughter

have a great weekend everyone

much love

decision made

2006-02-07T12:52:00.000-06:00

spring break plans: headed down south to gulfport, mississippi to aid in hurricane katrina relief. rebuilding houses. fixing roofs. cleaning up. meeting families. spreading love.
"do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act." proverbs 3:27
more than pumped.

we built this city...

bend and not break

2006-02-02T23:02:00.000-06:00

i catalog these steps now
decisive and intentioned
precise and patterned specifically to yours.
i'm talented at breathing
especially exhaling
so that my chest will rise and fall with yours.

i'm careful not to wake you
fearing conversation
it's better just to hold you and keep you pacified.
i'm talented with reason
i cover all the angles
i can fail before I ever try.

try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make
and i'm the king of them pushing everything that's good away
won't you hold me now -- i will not bend i will not break
won't you hold me now -- i will not bend i will not break

i am fairly agile
i can bend and not break
or i can break and take it with a smile.
and i am so resilient
i recover quickly
i'll convince you soon that i am fine.

try to understand there's and old mistake that fools will make
and i'm the king of them pushing everything that's good away
won't you hold me now -- i will not bend i will not break
won't you hold me now -- for you i rise, for you i fall

just hold me close to you, just hold me close to you...

and try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make
and i'm the king of them pushing everything that's good away
so won't you hold me now?

won't you hold me now?
now...

my current theme song. not really sure why. but i can't seem to stop listening. or singing. or really just mouthing the words pretending like i can sing.

i was in class for 7 hours today. i wrote my 5th paper of the week this evening. my mama is coming in less than 39 hours. i'm one lucky and excited girl.

in the process of figuring out spring break plans. maybe katrina relief in mississippi. maybe seeing kenny chesney in concert. maybe chilling it at school. suggestions are more than welcome.

dance marathon is quickly approaching -- 36 days away! -- and i'm greatly looking forward to it. the biggest party on campus baby. very, very psyched.

facebook made my night tonight. along with roomie bonding time. and my latte.

observing. breathing. living.
for right now.
and only now.

BLESSED IN HIS MERCY.

2006-01-23T10:21:00.000-06:00

today was a great morning. SO great, in fact, that i'm unsure how to handle it. i feel like i could jump and down with joy and dance for forever and a day, yet at the same time i feel like i could hide away for awhile and burst into tears at any given moment.
i ventured to class this morning, running a few minutes late, but not really minding. learning about federalism at 8:30 in the morning isn't exactly the ideal way i'd like to start my day, but the sun broke through the clouds and shone so brightly into the classroom, warming my face and spirit. class was over, i wandered around campus thinking and pondering for a bit about something i've been struggling with for the past few months. i made my way to jp's for a latte, and as i was walking back to campus for chapel, i started talking to God about it. i suddenly had an amazing feeling of clarity and relief, like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. i realized that this struggle was something that only I was holding onto, and that it wasn't something i was giving to Him. it was like God was whispering to me, "it's okay to let go...I've got it covered." this whole thing that has been affecting my head and heart was consuming me, and i was finally able to release it. God has my future in His hands, and whenever and however He leads me, i know it will be to further His kingdom and provide Him with glory. i realized that, for so long, i've been trying to direct my course and control it with all of my might, trying to make things the way I want them to be...when really i have nothing to do with it. i arrived at chapel early and just started to pray and give thanks for His blessing of grace and mercy in my life, that i didn't have to worry anymore or focus so hard on earthly matters that He will ultimately bless when the timing is right. then came the chapel message, centered on calling and vocation. i think God had me in mind this morning to give me this clarity and hear this message. i sat, i was completely focused on Him, i listened, i felt a few tugs at my heart, and then it was time to go. i walked out with one hand holding my coffee and the other onto Jesus, thinking about my big dreams and silent passions. but those things, i can imagine, but it's difficult to put into words. i know where God has blessed me, but how do i put those gifts into my vocation? i love children, and i feel called to be a teacher...but is His plan for me greater than that? i know, in the depths of my being, that in the given and proper time, He will bless me in all of His glory...and that's all i need to know at this point.
He's presented me with this duel message at the perfect moment in my life. He taught and allowed me to let go of the one thing that has been holding me back for so long, and He's given me the opportunity to set my sights on where He wants to take me from here.
jumping for joy verses crying. both are bound to happen along the way. but He'll be there regardless to jump along or hold me. and, in all seriousness, i couldn't ask for anything more.

the sun is shining. life is joyous. i am blessed.

i heart anything country

2006-01-21T10:10:00.000-06:00

just to recap our fun date night last night...i don't think i could have asked for a better time! me and all the roomies and our dates had a blast!
i went with John...one of the boys who lives upstairs. let's just say it was pretty darn great to go with him...
dinner was delish. us ladies did a fantastic job in the kitchen if i do say so myself.
the plan was to go country line-dancing. but because of the HUGE snowstorm that decided to drop down on michigan last night, we went goofy bowling instead. i about peed my pants on 24 different occasions. it was a BLAST.
we came back to the apartment for some dessert (yup, that's right...we made worms in dirt!) and a few games of catchphrase and celebrity charades. again, SO fun.
the boys left around 2 AM...the girls cleaned up and then had some bonding time in our pjs.
basically, i don't think the night could have gotten much better. i love my roomies to death, i had a great time with my date, and our whole "country" theme for the night pretty much made my life.

i slept so soundly and woke up to the shining sun gleaming off the the fresh, crisp snow.

"...and it's a great day to be alive..."

"...i guess that's just the cowboy in me..."

2006-01-20T11:00:00.000-06:00

yesterday afternoon...
my education professor spilled his coffee all over his desk. i about peed my pants.
i took apart a car engine and put it back together. i knew more than the boys.
last night...
i ate a 'hungry man' for dinner. my chicken was covered in brownie.
i had a great conversation with a great friend. i'm very thankful for him.
i listened to stina practice her trumpet before we went to get coffee.
i realized how much i love and miss my old ladies, and that i don't understand some people.
i had a conversation all about music...especially that of the genre of country.
this morning...
i had a friendly hello in class.
i had two sips of my vanilla latte stolen by the dean of chapel again. he and i share the same favorite drink.
i figured out my future. for the most part.
tonight...
i am cooking a southern, yummy meal for me and the roomies and our dates.
i get to dress very cute and go country line dancing.
i can hardly wait.

all smiles.

and God said la-la-la-la LOVE.

It was sunny today.

2006-01-18T17:12:00.000-06:00

I have a new cowboy hat and a belt with a HUGE buckle.
I baked a cake the other night that, if I may say, turned out pretty darn good.
American Idol began last night.
Trygve Johnson, Hope College's Dean of Chapel, came up to me in Chapel today and drank some of my latte from Starbucks without asking -- I about died laughing.
I have some of the best, funny, loving roomies ever.
I'm going country line-dancing this weekend for Kraker 210 Date Night.

LIFE IS LOOKING UP.

hands down

2006-01-14T22:56:00.000-06:00

i seriously don't think, in my entire being, that today could have gotten much worse. i know people say that a lot...but i'm pretty serious. today was one of the worst days i've had in a long time, full of hurt, anger, tears, frustration, confusion, and just wondering if there's seriously something wrong with ME...

i think it started last night with a conversation about sex in the apartment that hit a little too close to the heart than people realize. or maybe it was the phrase, "why date a non-Christian?" that just kinda pulled at my core. you fall in love with a person that's not a Christian and tell me it's not difficult to end it or make sense of it...THEN we can talk. not really sure...but i think that kinda pushed me over the edge a little bit. and it kinda/really hurt.
i woke up feeling better this morning until the roomie and i had a "fight" about shish kabobs. honestly, it was basically like i was the over-sensitive, pmsing emotional wife and she was the confused husband, not understanding the problem or why i was upset. looking back on the situation, i laugh...but it was just one of the strangest conversations ever. it was basically like i was taking her not liking my idea of making shish kabobs really meant that she was questioning me as a person...which was totally not the case...but that's kinda how i felt. again, strange...but i figured getting through that slump would turn the day around.
guess again.
i spent the day being productive around the apartment, cooking and doing work. i was kinda quite, mostly because i'm sick but also had a lot running through my head and really didn't want to interact with other people. i was asked "are you okay?" about 7,296 times. fyi: that really doesn't help. don't make people feel broken...either do something about the situation to make it positive, or don't remind someone that there may be something wrong.
the roomie and i went upstairs to visit the boys for a bit tonight. it was fun at the beginning. i even cleaned up their slop a little bit. we chatted and laughed. then some of them went on to tell us their plans of going to the bar for a bit and later the hockey game, completely neglecting to invite me and rach along. kinda rude and rather inconsiderate. we were kinda pissed and put off. but some of the other boys invited us to go with them to the game.
the roomie and i returned to the apartment to vent but vowed to turn the night around. we "got hot" and met the boys to go. the ride to the arena was great. we talked, we laughed, and i was convinced that the night was going to be great.
one more time...guess again.
we walked in behind the boys, they snuggled onto a row in the student section. and there definitely wasn't room for me and the roomie. did they get up to move and sit somewhere else with us? nope. they kinda said sorry and gave us whatever looks...and we went and sat by ourselves. granted, we soon found some friendly faces to join. but still.
who tells someone their plans for the night and then doesn't invite them along? or who invites someone along but then ditches them immediately once they get there?
the roomie and i vowed to not talk the whole ride home. we were successful. i looked out the window and rach actually cried...and the boys didn't even notice.

maybe i'm just ultra-sensitive. maybe i'm in the wrong on this one. maybe it's really ME that has the problem.
but a huge part of my head and heart is saying, "nope, it's not you..."

hands down, my day was worse than yours was.

This Year

2006-01-01T17:57:00.000-06:00

This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun
This year, I'll paint my masterpiece
This year, I'll be recognized
I can feel like I'll fall in love for real
This year, this year

January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May, I'll get carried away
Oh, oh...

This year, I'll reach the pinnacle
This year, I'll get to the top
People will ask where she get that energy
This year, I'm never gonna stop

January, I'll learn to fly
February, love's gonna find me
March, April, May, I'll get carried away
Oh, oh, oh, oh...

This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun
I'm gonna have fun
Just watch me now
This year...

A new year. A fresh start. What do you have in store for me, 2006?

Countin' it down!

2005-12-31T15:36:00.000-06:00

So long 2005...and welcome 2006!
The past year has been excellent, but the next will be even better. I'm greatly looking forward to tonight...possibly meeting a few new people, looking hot with my girls, and ringing in the new year and all it's glory with some of my best friends.
Let's get pretty.
Let's get happy.
Let's bring in 2006 with a bang!
Much love.
And Happy New Year!

2005-12-17T16:38:00.000-06:00

Can I just say that I'm absolutely LOVING being home for Christmas?
I think there's just something about the holidays that completes me.
lights
wreaths
Christmas tree
snowmen
yummy treats
cinnamon and evergreen
friends
family
the birth of my Savior
It really can't get better than this.

another semester (almost) over

2005-12-12T10:42:00.000-06:00

finals week is upon us, once again, and i can hardly believe it! four days and three exams, one paper, and a final project stand in the way of me going home for Christmas, seeing family and friends, and basking in the fact that i'll have absolutely nothing that i HAVE to do but all the time in the world to do anything that i WANT to do.
it's hard to believe how fast the semester flew by...one more until i enter the "real world."
looking back, so much has happened over the past few months...happy and difficult times, smiles and mourning, laughter and tears...but He's been faithful, and that's truly a miracle. i'm so undeserving, but He's so willing to catch me everytime i trip or fall or land flat on my face. thank you Jesus.
more to come once i'm back home, but in the meantime, back to the madness of studying/writing/cramming...
and...bring it!

no words

2005-12-04T11:55:00.000-06:00

i got a phone call this morning from my mom. she told me that in church this morning, they announced that one of my dear friends took his own life over the weekend.
i wanted to yell and scream.
i wanted to ask so many questions that held no answer.
i wanted to hide away in a corner somewhere for a while.
i wanted to cry...
and that's what i did. i cried and i prayed. i understand that this situation is in Your hands, Father. my heart is aching and my body is numb to everything...but i pray that i'll see him again one day.

shaved head every summer
camo cargo pants
fishing hats
best bear hug
soothing voice
accepting heart
giving of time, an ear, a shoulder...anything
a Good Word
a life and love for Jesus

some of the fondest memories of all of my summers i dedicate to you.
i love you with all of my heart. you will be dearly and deeply missed.
God bless you Steve.

attitude check...praise the Lord

what a weekend

2005-11-20T21:02:00.000-06:00

so many eventsthoughtsfeelings to the past three days of my life...
it's all just a little overwhelming, and not really knowing where to start...
here's a few random tid-bits...

rocking out to tim and kenny the whole way home and loving every minute of it
home sweet home
my mom's cooking
MY bed
my mama learned how to walk without her cane...pretty much a miracle and one of the best blessings from God i could ever ask for
u of m-osu game in ann arbor with the fam and andy and uncle mike
seeing jae and ryan for a bit
realizing how much i miss my boys on a regular basis
good convos with old friends while driving back to hope
nyquil
looking hot at sunday school
my fifth grade girls looking forward to our sleepover in a few weeks
painting to christmas music
surprise visit from my long, lost, hairy new zealand friend
realizing that i really don't like boys
realizing how easily i put my heart out on the line sometimes for the taking
realizing how i can't wait to see my girls on wednesday
starbucks runs with mariah playing in the background
good worship
heart to hearts

"i consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us...for in this hope we were saved...in the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness...and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose..."
romans 8:selected verses

a little bit of an up-and-down weekend. sometimes i just don't understand what i'm supposed to be doing or where i'm going or what His purpose is for me. but i know i just have to trust...and He will give me the desires of my heart.

overall, life is grand...and i can't complain.

Voice of Truth

2005-11-13T18:32:00.000-06:00

Oh, what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I´m in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He´s holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I´ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again, "Boy, You´ll never win!"
"You´ll never win!"

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe
The Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they´d have had the strength to stand
But the giant´s calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I´ve tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again, "Boy, You´ll never win!"
"You´ll never win!"

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe
The Voice of Truth

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don´t seem so high
From on top of them lookin´ down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe
I will choose to listen and believe
The Voice of Truth I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe
The Voice of Truth

I will listen and believe
Cause Jesus you are the Voice of Truth
And I will listen to you...

the song of my life
the song of my heart
YOU ARE

My latte is cold and gross.

2005-11-11T01:01:00.000-06:00

My fingers are exhausted from typing my second paper of the week.
My eyes are sleepy but my over-caffeinated brain is still going strong.
My ears have been filled for the past four hours with the soothing songs of Train.
My back and neck are kinda sore.

I try not to procrastinate, but I think it tends to comes off that way.
I don't know why I drink coffee so late.
I could sing along for hours...and sing myself to sleep.
I could really go for a back massage.

I really don't know why I'm still sitting at my computer at 2:02 AM. As soon as I lay my weary head on my soft pillow, my eyes will have to open too soon to face another day, full of unknown words, fleeting thoughts, and dreams not yet known.

"Maybe I'm not but you're all I got left to believe in...don't give up on me I'm about to come alive...
Now I know that it's been hard and it's been a hard time comin'...don't give up on me I'm about to come alive..."

There's a place for us in this new day.
Let's embrace it together.

Somebody's Hero

2005-11-05T09:16:00.000-06:00

She's never pulled anyone from a burning building
She's never rocked Central Park to a half a million fans, screaming out her name
She's never hit a shot to win the game
She's never left her footprints on the moon
She's never made a solo hot air balloon ride, around the world,
No, she's just your everyday average girl but

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her baby with a skinned up knee
A little kiss is all she needs
The keeper of the Cheerios
The voice that brings Snow White to life
Bedtime stories every night
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

She didn't get a check every week like a nine-to fiver
But she's been a waiter, and a cook and a taxi driver
For twenty years, there at home, until the day her girl was grown
Giving all her love to her was her life's ambition
But now her baby's movin' on, and she'll soon be missin' her
But not today, those are tears of joy runnin' down her face

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her daughter in her wedding dress
She gave her wings to leave the nest
It hurts to let her baby go down the aisle she walks right by
Looks back into her mother's eyes
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

Thirty years have flown right past
Her daughters' starin' at all the photographs
Of her mother, and she wishes she could be like that
Oh, but she already is...

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her mother in a rockin' chair
She runs a brush through her silver hair
The envy of the nursing home
She drops by every afternoon
Feeds her mama with a spoon
And that smile lets her know
Her mother's smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

She's somebody's hero...

Happy Birthday to my MAMA!! You truly are my hero and best friend...I love you more than you'll ever know, and don't know what I would do or where I would be without you in my life. All the love in my heart and blessings from God to you on this day...

Things are so much better now!!

2005-10-14T12:55:00.000-05:00

Midterms are over. The weekend is officially here. BRING IT HOPE COLLEGE!!

I'm so much happier now that the past three days of my life are over...not in the sense that that's three less days I get to spend here on earth...but in the sense that all the stress that was built up inside of me for days is GONE!
I'm really looking forward to this weekend...Homecoming at Hope baby!
Lots of crazy-fun activities with the entire campus, as well as some sweet time with our Miracle Families for Dance Marathon...
Gettin' my HOEdown on tonight...
Yummy food, facepaint, and the Homecoming parade tomorrow with some cute kiddies...
Decorating for the Homecoming ball...
A pretty dress...
Dancin' away to "The Music of the Night" Homecoming bash...

Needless to say, I'm very excited!! Props to the Big Guy upstairs for strength and courage to get through the past few days...this weekend will be a blessing indeed.

PS Chapel rocked my face off today...just goes to show how good and gracious God is.

"Here am I, all of me...take my life, it's all for Thee..."

2005-10-12T23:03:00.000-05:00

and...so not a fan of imperialism
midterm due in 13 hours
ugh

i need to get this crappy thing done

a page is turned

2005-10-12T11:10:00.000-05:00

a page is turned by the wind
to a boy in curly grin with a world to conquer at the age of ten
but as history unfolds and the storybook is told he finds salvation
but not at the hands of man

and the God of second chance picked him up
and He let him dance through a world that is not kind
and all this time, preparing him, the one to hold him up when he comes undone
beneath the storm, beneath the sun
and now a man, here you stand
your day has come

a page is turned in this world
to reveal a little girl with a heart that's bigger, as it is unfurled
by the language in her soul that's teaching her to grow with a careful cover
of love that will not fail

and the God of second chance picked her up
and He let her dance through a world that isn't kind
and all this time, preparing her the one to hold her up when she comes undone
beneath the storm, beneath the sun
and grown up tall, here you are
your day has come

beneath the air of autumn, she took him by his hand
and warm within the ardor, she took his heart instead
and high upon the mountain, he asked her for her hand
just for her hand

a page is turned in this life
he's making her his wife and there is no secret to the source of this much life
when the grace that falls like rain is washing them again just a chance to somehow rise above this land

where the God of second chance will pick them up
and He'll let them dance through a world that is not kind
and all this time, they're sharing with the One that holds them up when they come undone
beneath the storm, beneath the sun
and once again, here you stand

and once again, here you stand
your day has come...

really
this is all i honestly long for right now
but i must learn to be patient through the silence
and look to Him for this blessing when i am fully prepared to
spend the rest of my life
with that ONE person

that day will come

smiles everywhere

2005-10-11T20:58:00.000-05:00

too much to say
with
many
emotions
and
dreams
floating through my head
yet
no words
could describe
my thoughts
or
feelings

i am SO happy

Another year...another blessing...

2005-10-10T22:04:00.000-05:00

Twenty-two years ago today, I began my crazy-tragic-sometimes-almost-magic-awful-beautiful life.
And today just goes to show how blessed I truly am.
From IMs and facebook messages, to Taco Bell runs with Carebear party hats at midnight...from cards and postcards from around the world, to cookie packages and gifts...from some of the most random nicknames ever, to numerous phone calls from friends and family...
Today has been fabulous.
Thanks to everyone who helped make my 22nd birthday so magical.
I love you all more than you'll ever know...
Blessings always.

2005-09-19T20:41:00.000-05:00

"Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips, and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigour of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means the predominance of courage over timidity, of adventure over the love of ease. This often exists in a man of sixty more than a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair -- these bow the heart and turn the spirit back to dust. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hopes, as old as your despair."
~B. Ullman

If you could only feel the joy of this heart and the love of His presence in my life at this moment.
Words could never describe how He has blessed me as of late.

I love the fact that I can't stop smiling...

September 11, 2001

2005-09-11T12:19:00.000-05:00

...NEVER FORGET...

WAY sweet weekend...

2005-09-09T11:25:00.000-05:00

Headed home for the night...to go to Ann Arbor tomorrow with the fam, Pridmores, and Andy for the U of M game...rock my face off! Should be a WAY sweet time...
Be back in the Big H tomorrow eveningish sometime to chill with the roomies. Should also be a WAY sweet time...
Sunday we have our 8-HOUR Dance Marathon Dreamteam meeting. I'm kinda excited...yet...feeling it won't be as sweet as the rest of the weekend...

The open road and some chilled tunes are awaiting me in my lovely Escape...

Peace out playas!

hard to imagine...

2005-09-04T17:55:00.000-05:00

so much has happened in the past
day...movies on the couch with the roomies...
week...the first week of my senior year in college...
month...new friendships, end of summer, more friendships, blessings everywhere...
year...

one year ago today
i arrived in london, england to study abroad for four months
all alone
scared
nervous
excited
anxious
ready to be on my own away from everything in the states
a fresh start

one year ago today
began a new chapter of my life
new, amazing, better-than-i-could-ever-imagine friends
travel experiences throughout europe
laughter
tears...of both joy and sadness...
tea and scones
breathtaking views
a life-changing experience that i'll never forget

it's hard to imagine that so much has happened over the year
and how much i've changed

london 2004 will ALWAYS be in my heart

ps i know an update is in need...being back at school is crazy...more to come soon

i promise

Babies and Boys

2005-08-07T21:36:00.000-05:00

I went to Lauren Nicole's christening party this afternoon. It was so beautiful and God is SO good! It kinda made me realize that I want a baby...but I need a husband...and a relationship...and to actually meet a boy before any of that can happen.
Speaking of boys...I think there's one. But we hardly know each other. And he's leaving in the matter of weeks for grad school in St. Louis. Hmmm...
To talk to him or not to talk to him?
That is my prayer.

Real Fine Place to Start

2005-08-04T15:29:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna do it, darlin'
I could waste time tryin' to figure it out
But I'm jumpin' anyhow
I've never been this far
Didn't know love could run so deep
Didn't know I'd lose this much sleep

Holdin' you close
Chasin' that moon
Spendin' all night
Learnin' just who you are
Sparks flyin' in the dark
Shootin' out lights
Runnin' down dreams
Figurin' out
What love really means
Baby, givin' you my heart's A real fine place to start

Somethin' is goin' on
And I can't explain but sure can touch
It's callin' both of us
Stronger than any fear or doubt
It's changin' everything I see
It's changin' you, it's changin' me

Holdin' you close
Chasin' that moon
Spendin' all night
Learnin' just who you are
Sparks flyin' in the dark
Shootin' out lights
Runnin' down dreams
Figurin' out
What love really means
Baby, givin' you my heart's A real fine place to start

Right here, right now's
The perfect spot The perfect time The perfect moment
When your skin is next to mine
Yeah, yeah

Holdin' you close
Chasin' that moon
Spendin' all night
Learnin' just who you are
Sparks flyin' in the dark
Shootin' out lights
Runnin' down dreams
Figurin' out just
What love really means
Baby, givin' you my heart's A real fine place
A real fine place to start

Long time, no post! It's definitely been a while...and a lot has been going on in my life...but I'll keep it short...

Florida with the fam was loads of fun. It was definitely want I needed...to get away from "real life" for a bit, to let my mind escape and just be free from all of the distractions. We went to Disney World, and it was so wonderful to just be a kid again...getting excited to see Mickey Mouse and Winnie the Pooh. It was great spending so much time with the fam...
PS The Mama and I talked about my wedding for the whole flight down to Florida...can we say weird?! I'm nowhere NEAR being in any sort of serious relationship...but it'll be a fun time whenever the wedding actually happens I guess...

After Florida came Kid Kat Kamp...one of the most amazing summers yet at Kamp by far! My kampers were angels, the staff got so close and worked so well together, and God was present in everything we did. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better time. I was able to get close with so many awesome people who I'm totally keeping in better touch with from now on. Since we all got home, we've all been hanging out a lot, including an awesome late-night swim yesterday. I love these people!! God has blessed me richly!

Other than that...not much is new. My life has basically consisted of the relaxation of Florida, the craziness of getting stuff planned and organized for Kamp, an awesome week spent basking in God's glory...and now catching up on sleep and spending time with great friends.

Tomorrow night, Maggie and I are headed down to Cleveland to see Kenny Chesney in concert...who's pumped?! UM DUH!! It'll be a fun little roadtrip for sure!

The rest of the summer is just gonna fly by...one more week of work, then packing to head back to Hope, spending a few fun days with friends, then it's back to the usual college routine...of senior year...which is just so freaky.
It's also freaky to think that a year ago I was getting myself ready to spend a semester in London. That seems like so long ago...and a wonderful dream all at the same time! Wow...how much I would LOVE to go back!

Inga comes home from New York in a little over a week...I can't WAIT to see my Millie!
Jones also comes home for a little visit from Colorado next week...it'll be great to see him.

I've been giving a lot to God lately...surrendering a lot of myself to Him and His will. Giving my decisions and my walk to the grave in order to see His grace fully. It's been a blessing all in itself.
There's this thing that I keep praying about and giving to Him...and I just don't know. As you could probably guess, it's about a boy. But an amazing boy. I don't know him very well, but I just keep praying that God would work in both of our hearts the way He desires...and that if I shouldn't be having these thoughts/feelings, that He would take them from me and fill me with what's right and good.
The thoughts/feelings haven't gone away yet.
We'll see what happens.

I think that's it for now...
Life is good...praise the Lord!

2005-07-05T11:16:00.000-05:00

I feel like poop.
All I really wanna do is scream really loud and hide.
But I don't think that's appropriate in a situation like this.
I don't know what to do.

While I was driving home last night, I heard a song on the radio that completely defines what I want.
Only He knows the answer, I guess...

Lord, help me today. Help me be patient, to learn, and make a decision in Your will.

"One bottle of wine and two Dixie cups..."

Collide

2005-07-03T11:19:00.000-05:00

The dawn is breaking A light shining through
You're barely waking And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
I'm open, you're closed Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide

Oh dear...
This past weekend's events have been very fun...a little too crazy with, quite possibly, a little too much alcohol...but a sweet time nevertheless. I love Ann Arbor...and I love Royal Oak...and I love my friends.
PS I've decided that I need to work on using the word "love." I definitely use it too often in too many situations, when really it's very personal and should be used wisely.
So maybe I only really like Ann Arbor...and I'm a major fan of Royal Oak...but I still love my friends.

Life has been interesting lately. More and more curveballs keep coming my way. Times have definitely been changing rather quickly in the life of Carrie. At times I feel as though it's too much to handle...that too many things are so different from what I used to know that it's just too much...but He promises to not give us more than we can handle...

Speaking of JC...the faithwalk has been good lately. At times I feel as though I'm wavering or questioning or not dedicating enough of my time or daily schedule to Him. But He's faithful and has been sustaining me over the past few weeks full of twists and turns...

But at the same time...part of me just wants to yell WHAT THE FLIP.
It's all in a day's work.

PS I almost forgot...Florida in a week, Kamp in three weeks...I CAN'T WAIT! Kamp planning is going really well...staff get-togethers have been SWEET, and all-nighters at church will soon commence. BRING IT JC!!

This post is rather long and semi-ridiculous and probably not making sense to anyone...so I'm gonna go and enjoy the rest of this fabulous holiday weekend.

Happy 4th of July...let the fireworks begin!

Crazy times...

2005-06-11T12:37:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a few weeks since I last posted...with class, work, friends, and the busy-ness that has seemed to overtake my life lately...it's been difficult to sit down and reflect. But life is GREAT...and I plan to sit down soon to fill you in...
In the meantime...
HAPPY 21ST BETHIE! RASCAL FLATTS CONCERT TONIGHT! GET PUMPED!!

It'll be a SWEET night...ohhh buddy!

Take care and blessings.

Vindicated

2005-05-24T13:03:00.000-05:00

Hope dangles on a string Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I am

Vindicated
I am selfish I am wrong I am right I swear I'm right Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear Like the diamond in your ring Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me
So isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that I am

Vindicated
I am selfish I am wrong I am right I swear I'm right Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So turn Up the corners of your lips Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment for forever
Defense is paper thin Just one touch and I'll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away So let me slip away So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away So let me slip away So let me slip away So let me slip away

Vindicated
I am selfish I am wrong I am right I swear I'm right Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

My hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

The Fearless Four had a little reunion up in Traverse City this past weekend. Awesome, awesome time...words really cannot describe how blessed or lucky I am to have these three amazing friends from Hope. Morel mushroom hunting, bonfires, boating and fishing, getting sunburned, weddings, slurpies on the beach, food...and more food...and even more food, BK, BRB, Star Wars, sleeping in the sun, good conversations, God-time, smiles and photos to last a lifetime...I couldn't have hoped for a better weekend.

I've been thinking quite a bit lately...and I can't really sort it out.
So much to say...with too much running through my head.
I wish I had answers.

Maggie-Moo comes home from Spain tomorrow...and I cannot WAIT to see that girl. Let the crazy-country drive-about nights, Starbucks dates, and SFL conversations begin!

Homework calls...I'm off...
Summer's still rocking...I'm loving it.

Anything But Mine

2005-05-10T15:10:00.000-05:00

Walking along beneath the lights of that miracle mile
Me and Mary making our way into the night
You can hear the cries from the carnival rides, the pinball bells, and the skee ball signs
Watching the summer sun fall out of sight
There's a warm wind coming in from off of the ocean
Making it's way past the hotel walls to fill the street
Mary is holding both of her shoes in her hand
Said she likes to feel the sand beneath her feet

And in the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland
So tonight I hope that I will do just fine
And I don't see how you could ever be
Anything but mine

There's a local band playing at the seaside pavillion
And I got just enough cash to get us in
And as we are dancing, Mary's wrapping her arms around me
And I can feel the sting of summer on my skin
In the midst of the music
I tell her I love her
And we both laugh, cause we know it isn't true
Oh, but Mary, there's a summer drawing to an end tonight
And there's so much that I long to do to you

But in the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland
So tonight I hope that I will do just fine
And I don't see how you could ever be
Anything but mine

And in the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland
So tonight I hope that I will do just fine
And I don't see how you could ever be
Anything but mine

Mary, I don't see how you could ever be
Anything but mine

In the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland
So tonight I hope that I will do just fine
Hey, I don't see how you could ever be
Anything but mine

I think I want a summer love. I would enjoy the company of a guy...I think.

Summer's been sweet so far.
Rock on sunshine.

2005-05-04T01:43:00.000-05:00

How 'bout that...
I'm officially a COLLEGE SENIOR!!

Where has all the time gone?!
Go big or go home baby...gotta love it!

Why am I acting like this...?

2005-05-01T21:52:00.000-05:00

I just noticed I've been wearing too different socks all day.
I've drank so much Diet Coke today...and I don't even like pop that much.
Have I actually eaten a complete meal today? I don't think so.
Have I filled my body with chocolate and too much caffeine? With how many trips I've made to the kitchen...I would hope so.
I almost had a nervous breakdown this afternoon.
I find myself wandering around the house...not really sure why I left my room.
I've kinda been staring off into space also.

Why am I acting like this again...?
Oh right...IT'S FINALS WEEK!

Good luck to everyone...summer's right around the corner!!